Lose the NewsMaybe the biggest growth industry in the USA is the news/opinion business. Here’s my guide to success in the ever-expanding 24-hour news cycle. Good luck! Interrupt loudly and often. Be prepared to cry immediately. Be prepared to bully immediately. Laugh at inopportune moments. Your modus operandi, your motivation, can be summed up thus: you want to radiate darkness the way sun radiates light. Pepper your comments with incomprehensible phrases like, “So with tax reform at an impasse, and healthcare D.O.A., you’re saying a Middle East peace accord will somehow stop crime in Chicago? How, exactly, would that work, sir?” Fabricate sources and statistics and be prepared to spout them when triggered. Use the word “trigger” in place of “caused” or “started.” Make stuff up. Own a purebred Rottweiler and name him “Peacemaker.” Learn to use the word “talent” in all its permutations. Singular (“I am the talent”); plural (“We are the talent”); definite article (“I am the talent, not you.”). Treat staff and techs with disdain, using statements like, “This is not some ego trip, people. This is about War and Peace and Dostoyevsky’s Selfish Steam!” When auditioning go for broke, and say, “I will resign from Amnesty International and Media Matters just to show I can be objective!”