Hey there! View Taylor’s latest newsletter, Futurosity!
June 29, 2008
That’s right! Vacations are too expensive this year, so it’s STAY-CATIONS for everyone! My neighbors had the best idea yet: the entire family got in the car and sat in the driveway for 8 hours, arguing and fighting. Then they went back in their house, slept a couple of hours, came out and got back in the car, arguing for 3 more hours. They went back in the house, changed into swim trunks and bathing suits, and hung out in the backyard for three days. They had food delivered. There was much arguing and in-fighting, they took a lot of pictures, then they climbed back in the car in the driveway and most of them slept while the dad tried to stay awake for 10 hours. VOILA! STAY-CATION! NO ARCTIC CIRCLE?
The weather and ocean conditions in the next couple of weeks will determine how much of the sea ice will melt, and early signs are not good, said Mark Serreze. The prediction is that the entire North Pole will melt away by September! He’s a senior researcher at the National Snow and Ice Data Center and the University of Colorado in Boulder, CO. Here at Taylor Mason Headquarters, we don’t see this as a negative at all! Even in the depths of a recession, we suggest everyone start buying squirt guns, wading pools and swimsuits this summer! It looks like there will be plenty of water everywhere! Hooray!
We’re having a “Humidity Festival” this weekend here in New Jersey, which leads to perspiration, and that led us to this story: Phoenix is the winner of Old Spice’s 7th annual Top 100 Sweatiest Cities,
followed by Las Vegas, Tallahassee, Tucson and Arizona. Washington D.C. would have won but the sweat has to be caused by the weather, not polls.
Here in New Jersey, most sweat is caused by threats from Tony Soprano.
Speaking of, did you hear about the group of dolphins that has been bothering swimmers in the Shrewsbury and Navesink, NJ, rivers? Yep. NJ Wildlife officials are trying to get them to move, but these are Jersey dolphins, which make them the toughest dolphins in the world. You can’t just shoo them. You have to make them an offer they can’t refuse – or tie a stuffed dolphin to a cement block and drop it in the river near them.
Police in Placentia, California, are looking for a man who wheeled a dolly into a convenience store and stole an automated teller machine. The clerk thought he was just going to buy a 480-ounce slurpy.
A study reported in the Journal of Consumer Research found that thinking about death might cause overeating… especially if you’re thinking about death by chocolate.
The biggest news this summer in the comedy world was the passing of legendary comic George Carlin. He was 71 at the time of his death, and still touring, writing and working. Very impressive.
The airlines are having major problems this summer, laying off workers, canceling flights and losing money. Here’s the latest: many airlines are now charging you to check a bag. Our suggestion: Put the baggage fee IN the suitcase that you check. If your bag makes it to the correct destination on time, the airline gets their check! If not? No check!
According to our inside sources at the FAA, there are soon going to be fees for getting your shoes, belt, bags, phones, laptops and keys back once you go through security. We have it on good authority there will also be a charge to use oxygen once the plane takes off. Will keep you posted.
Allow us just one quick note on the price of gas and consumerism so far this summer. Sales of Hummers, the giant, tank-sized autos that are so prevalent in upscale communities, have dropped. For those that own Hummers, we have some great suggestions this summer:
The Hummer is huge. It is over-priced (even now!). It is wasteful, inefficient, selfish and basically worthless. Let’s give it a new name: CONGRESS.
There is a way to save yourself, Hummer-owner. Why don’t you donate the back end of the vehicle to a homeless family of four? There is plenty of room (you’ll never notice them!) and you’re actually doing a service during the recession and housing crunch! Heck, import some soil and let them grow produce on the roof!
NBC announced that TV personality and new mom Nicole Richie will guest-star on the comedy series “Chuck” this fall. Nicole was a little surprised to find out it was a comedy. She thought she was auditioning for a reality show about modeling called “Upchuck.”
Thanks for reading! Thank you Marsia and Paul!
Well, I got here, but it’s been tough. Apparently there are seven words you can’t say in Heaven.
Watching my language,
Hello, mate. We’re getting back together! We’ll reunite for a concert on “VH1 Rock Honors.” But we’re having problems because we’re getting on in years, you see? Roger keeps misreading the words for “Who Are You?” and singing “Who Are We?”
Wait… who are we?
Still Meaty and Big, But Not So Bouncy,
Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey
I am spending the summer at my summer home, so please come visit us. You’ll know it when you see it, it’s a sandal!
Taking care of the children,
The Old Lady Who Lives In A Shoe (Sandal in the summer)