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June 17, 2014

Last weekend, as the Middle East fell into its never-ending reprise of sectarian violence – Suni vs. Shiite, which is kinda like Baptists versus Methodists, only different, as in CHRISTIANS DON’T BEHEAD ONE ANOTHER, THEY JUST FIND A NEW CHURCH – President Obama chose to ignore the myriad of crises surrounding his administration and played 18 holes of golf. Then he gave a commencement speech at The University of California, Irvine (entrance requirements: blond, sunglasses, money and adherence to designer jeans) that centered on the concern at the bottom of the “most-important” list: global warming/climate change/weather.

I have a response.

Thomas Robert Malthus

Thomas Robert Malthus

In 1798 Thomas Malthius (google him, you’ll be impressed) wrote that overpopulation would eventually doom the earth to perpetual poverty (he had no idea at the time that President Obama would try and do this via fiat in an 8-year-period during the 2000’s). Since Malthius made that prediction, the world population has grown from 1 to almost 7 BILLION! Increased population led to industrialization, which gave the Democratic Party a lifetime campaign bullet point – pollution-leading-to-global-warming. They claim the average temperature of the earth has risen 20 degrees.

OK. Well, if we’re going to be scientific, let’s be really scientific. Here is an indisputable fact: as things get hot they expand. Therefore, as earth gets hotter it will expand. So the planet must be getting bigger since the temps are rising so precipitously. GREAT! Earth is expanding! So that means more room for more people! More people, more industry, more earth! It’s the bonus that nobody talks about with global warming until just now!

You can thank me however you like. Money preferred!

Come see me in Chicago on July 20 at Zanies Comedy Club, Rosemont, Illinois!