I’M GONNA RAISE A FUSS, AND I’M GONNA RAISE A HOLLER

July 14, 2008


Sweet little old ladies they ain’t. Helen Golay, 75, and Olga Rutterschmidt, 72, were arrested a few weeks ago in Los Angeles, for insurance fraud. They allegedly paid for two men to stay in apartments for as long as two years, and in exchange they obtained the victims’ signatures and opened more than a dozen life insurance policies that named the women as beneficiaries. The ladies collected more than $2 million in insurance policies after the men were killed in hit-and-run crashes.
Police also believe these two may have committed the accidents and were befriending other men to set up more insurance policies! Sony has obtained the rights to their stories, and plans on marketing a new video game using the scam as a premise, called GRANNIES GONE HARDCORE.

Hope you had a great Memorial Day. For the first time in many years I spent most of the weekend at home. Even got invited to a friends house for bar-b-q chicken, spicy shrimp and the best New York cheesecake I’ve ever had. Summer is here! They opened our local pool club! My wife cleaned our screened-in back porch and made it available for sitting and reading on warm summer evenings! My car got a huge dent in the back and the rear-left turn signal casing was broken!

After a performance at The Grace Church near Minneapolis (they were celebrating 25 years, and I was the featured entertainment!), I spent last week in Anaheim, California, with The American Association of Critical Care Nurses. Me and 7500 of the most skilled, professional and knowledgeable people in medicine today. I have NEVER felt so safe. And so humble. These people WORK for a living. Their jobs are minute-to-minute stress tests. If anyone ever needed to laugh, it is these hard working men and women. It is always a pleasure to work with folks like the AACN. Got some good stories, too:
You know those little clamps? The tiny clamps called “hemo-stats” that are used for holding blood vessels or body parts or tubes in medical procedures? They can be used for other things, too. Yes, yes, I know the recreational drug uses, you see them all the time on TV and in movies for marijuana. Whatever. One nurse I spoke to was being harrassed by a doctor. He wouldn’t leave her alone. So, one time, she went over to him with a hemostat and used it to pinch his nipples – inflicting severe pain – and he never bothered her again.

The Rev. O’Neal Dozier, pastor of the Worldwide Christian Center in Pompano Beach, Florida, says God told him in a dream that Republican Charlie Crist will be the next governor of the state. It would have been more believable if he hadn’t mentioned that God also told him to put ten bucks on Barbaros.
Former Enron chief executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of conspiracy and fraud last week, and could face years in prison. The members of the jury said they spent most of their time deadlocked on the main issue of whether they should all write books, screenplays or PBS documentaries.
A Purdue University student faces tampering charges for allegedly hacking into a campus computer system to change his grades in an upper-level physics class. He should have known better. Hacking into the university computer to change your grades is only allowed for programming majors.

Friday I started the holiday weekend off in Nashville, Tennessee, at CELEBRATION 2006. The best part of the evening, for me, was working with Ken Davis. Ken has played an integral part in my life over the past six years. He is directly responsible for much of what I do and where I work and how I do business. It’s always great to work with a master. I have good helpers for the show in Nashville, the Daileys, and we enjoy a late-night dinner together before I sack out for a three-hour nap, then catch my flight home.

NBC News announced it will become the only Big Three network to operate a bureau in Beirut, returning to Lebanon’s capital after a 30-year absence. President Bush called up the head of NBC and recommended they hire Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary to head it up since he heard she’s a Lebanese.
Across town, ABC appointed Charles Gibson as the new anchor of the “World News Tonight” broadcast, replacing Elizabeth Vargas, who’s pregnant, and Bob Woodruff, who’s still recovering from being seriously wounded in Iraq. If Gibson doesn’t work out, ABC plans to go for broke and replace him with the next person bumped off their hit TV program “Lost.”
More news on hit television news programs: The White House says if you play latest audio tape released by Osama bin Laden backwards, it sounds like the Dixie Chicks.

I flew home Saturday, b-b-q’d for my family, and did a short set in a comedy club. Rascals Comedy Club, Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Coming from the nurses convention to the celebration concert to the comedy club… it was a wild week. The nurses treat me with great respect. I am kind of a celebrity, because I interview them, and a lot of what I do on stage, as their emcee and host, is about them. The concert in Nashville took place in a large ballroom, with theatrical lighting and a concert stage, at The Opryland Hotel. TV cameras were shooting video. The audience, 3000 people, included some of my small (but mighty) “following”. These are people who drive to see me. Who pay to see me.
Then comes Saturday night. The headliner at Rascals was a local Jersey comic, Joe Bublewicz. He’s gracious and he lets me go up and do a 15-minute set. The emcee (“Derek” – a young black comic from Jersey) intros me as “a local guy.” I go on and do a new line: “Some sicko broke into our house and stole the TV remote. Nothing else. You might think it’s not a big deal, but they drive by at night and change the channels randomly. SICK!” I love the comedy clubs. The whole scene. It’s high-stress and there is peer pressure and so on… but it’s a good way to find out where you stand as a professional comedian.

The latest edition of American Idol is finally over. So many people voted for Taylor Hicks and Catherine McPhee, they both got concession calls from President Bush and John Kerry. Taylor (yeah, he musta stolen his name from me) hasn’t stopped celebrating since he won American Idol.
However, he managed to find time today to write a quick note of apology to Joe Cocker for stealing his identity. His bandmates are hoping that he doesn’t forget about them, uses them on his debut CD, and remembers they have all sorts of pictures of him while they were on the road these past few years…

Memorial Day is a day to remember those who have died for our freedom. And for those who continue to. It’s a day to be thankful. And I am. For the people who book me, who pay to see me, who let me work for them. For the many folks like Ken Davis, who have helped me sustain my career far longer than I deserved. For my friends and my family. I enjoy meeting all these people from all walks of life in countless venues. I’m privelaged to call “comedy” my career. It was incredible to enjoy Memorial Day Weekend.
Hope you had a great one.

Congratulations to Andrew Morbitzer, the lucky person who caught Barry Bonds’ 715th home run while standing in line waiting for a beer. He offered to donate the beer to the Baseball Hall of Fame, where it would be on display next to the one Babe Ruth was drinking right before he hit number 714.

The Rolling Stones postponed the first 15 dates of their European concert
tour until Keith Richards recoveres from his head bump and can:
a) remember a few lyrics
b) stand without a wall next to him
c) keep a cigarette in his mouth without duct tape

President Bush says he won’t be seeing Al Gore’s movie on global warming
because:
a) he doesn’t believe in it
b) he’d rather see “The Da Vinci Code”
c) he heard his part is played by Will Ferrell

Religious leaders are demanding that Madonna stop crucifying herself on a
mirrored cross during her concerts because:
a) it’s sacrilegious
b) it’s dirty
c) it blocks their view of looking at themselves

Thanks for reading. Thanks, Paul. Thanks Marsia. Thanks Bill. Thanks Sheri.

BRING ON THE SUMMER!

taylor

Dear Taylor:
Barry Bonds hit number 715. He is a better hitter than Babe Ruth. He might pass Hank Aaron. This makes him the greatest hitter of all time. And you cannot prove he ever used steroids. And that doesn’t matter anyway, because it takes talent to hit a baseball, and he does it better than anyone, ever. He is our hero. He got us a cool new stadium, right downtown.
So there.
San Francisco Giants Fan
PS: the only way we would change our mind is if he gets traded to the Dodgers or something. Then he’s a gutless cheater with no respect for the game. Which means we’re just like every other baseball fan in the country. So there.

Dear Taylor:
Sure, I coulda gone the splatter/chatter route. Wasting evil bad guys, criminally-minded aliens and every kinda nefarious creature from here to crab nebula. i woulda BLOWN AWAY every zombie and living-dead creature that stood in my path. I would have had three features and all the merchandising rights and twenty million per release. Instead? I’m working with you and hoping for bookings.
I WANT A RAISE.
Romeo

Dear Taylor:
I am DISGUSTED BY AMERICAN IDOL. The ABC-TV Network and their hit shows “LOST” and “DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES” are not wise to get better ratings than me. Particularly the one about these so-called married women. They might trounce my videos in the ratings, but I will not stand by and watch this! I DECLARE A GLOBAL JIHAD AGAINST ALL AMERICAN TELEVISION.
I WILL SING SONGS ON MY NEXT VIDEO! IT WILL BE THE GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER RELEASED!
Cleaning my cave,
Osama Bin Laden