How’s the Weather?

August 29, 2013


I love the weather channel. I live for Mike Seidel and Vivian Brown and Jim Cantore and Stephanie Abrams. You can have your “Breaking Bad” and “True Blood” and “Game of Thrones.” I’ll take “Weather on the 8′s.” I want Doppler Radar. I need to know the weekend outlook in Boise, Idaho, even though I live in New Jersey. The Weather Channel: I DVR it!

Here on the beach in The Garden State, watching TWC on my handheld, there came a report that this has been the slowest year for hurricanes on record. Fine by me – we’re still recovering from Sandy.

But the follow-up is what caused a double-take: “Climate change has created a warming of the Atlantic Ocean that resulted in fewer hurricanes.”

Wait. I could have sworn the reason for hurricanes was because the oceans were getting warmer. Then a report that the Atlantic is actually cooling, which is another reason for climate change.

And then it hit me: all weather is due to climate change! Too much rain? Too much heat? Too few hurricanes? CLIMATE CHANGE!

The truth about the weather?

Scientifically, weather is all about thermodynamics. If you aren’t a scientist or climatologist, let me break down the laws of thermodynamics down in easy-to-understand bullet points:

You cannot make a declarative statement

The answer to everything is that the answer change

You cannot escape theĀ  law of thermodynamics, even if you don’t know what it is.

We all know the truth.

WINTER = a few inches of snow north of the Mason-Dixon Line that melts quickly and isn’t a problem for driving or shoveling. Winter temperatures should never EVER go below 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Occasionally, say every 3-4 years, an extra inch of snow might fall – preferably at Christmas time. The way it used to.

SPRING = Sunny skies with fluffy white clouds. A couple of inches of rain twice a week, with temps in the 50s gradually increasing to the high 60s and low 70s by the end of May. Like it was in the old days.

SUMMER = Day after day of sun and warm breezes, temperatures in the high 80s, with once-a-month thunderstorms and summer showers on a weekly basis. Humidity should never be above 50% and only in August, and the highest temps should only come in August and only once over 100 degrees. Ah, the way it was…

FALL = September signals a gradual drop in temperatures, beginning with the high 80s over Labor Day Weekend and turning brisk by the end of October. In November we feel some “cold,” which is to say temperatures in the 40-degree range. There are gray clouds and some rain, maybe a dusting of snow at Thanksgiving. Just like in the movies and TV shows!

Anything that varies from the above is climate change and global warming.

And it’s YOUR fault.