How To Be Hollywood

August 10, 2013


Based on my short time living in SoCal, here is the Taylor Mason Guide to Being an Official Hollywood Wannabe.

Own 15-20 pair of designer sunglasses; employ illegal immigrants as your nanny and gardener, then call radio talk shows and complain about illegal immigrants; befriend and defend people who exhibit moronic behavior (Charlie Sheen, for example) in public, and do it loudly and often; you will need a life coach, a personal trainer, a media consultant and a PR person; culture = shopping on Rodeo Drive; you can only be emotionally available when cameras are rolling; “emotionally available” is a phrase you use daily, if not hourly; you will become a licensed real estate broker, you’ll buy Aaron Spelling’s former residence and tear it down, re-building it to your own specifications; a plate of arugula is “lunch;” you have a screenplay and a concept for a movie in detail available on your handheld device for all to see at the drop of a hat, you must authorize a mini-series about your life, and you can create a “scene” on the spot – ie: “based on your asking me what I do for a living, I am going to improvise a short monologue that you can record and spam out on YouTube, as long as you give me complete creative control on the project.”

That’s it! GOOD LUCK!

I’m performing every Thursday night at the Moorlyn Theatre in Ocean City, New Jersey this August! Come on out to the show!