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June 5, 2008
School just let out here in Moorestown, New Jersey. It’s official, summer is here. The Internet slowed to a crawl over the weekend after millions of kids tried to access the web site www.i’m so bored.com. Summer in our quiet little burg means gas stations are offering sunscreen to Hummer owners so they don’t get burned during the hour it takes to fill their tanks. Is anything more American than cheating? Everyone is doing it. And has been for a long time. How many penalties don’t get called in football games? How many people made a fortune doing something… uh… nefarious… before going “straight.” Who hasn’t driven 70 miles-per-hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone when the road is clear and NOBODY is on the road but you?
That said, why the outcry over Barry Bonds beating Babe Ruth’s record? Why the anger over Jason Grimsley, the slacker major league pitcher who admitted using Human Growth Hormone (HGH) last week, and sent the baseball world into major spin control? Sure they cheated. So? WHO HASN’T? I would imagine every one of those radio commentators and journalists and columnists who are vilifying these guys nowadays did more than a little cheating to get where they are.
Heck, they’re probably cheating on their jobs or their wives or their audience right now.
The Dead Sea is dropping about 3 feet each year because it is not getting replenished quickly enough from the Jordan River, and scientists say it could eventually disappear altogether. They are investigating the possibility of filling it by means of a 125 mile canal from the Red Sea.
Of course, if the Dead Sea does survive, they’ll have to re-name it.
The Grateful Dead Sea.
The I’m-Not-Dead-Yet Sea (named for the Monty Python song from SPAMALOT)
The Lay Down and Play Dead Sea
The Night of The Living Dead Sea
I had a college football teammate – he didn’t know me, I’m telling you this second-hand because the story was passed to me one night in a locker room long ago and far away – who cheated his way through college and ended up with a solid 3.4-out-of-a-possible-4.0 GPA. Not a bad grade point for a division I college football player. He got into dental school no problem, and was on his way.
Only he couldn’t hack it. He had, literally, cheated his way through his undergrad career. Never attended class, always had someone take his tests for him, or give him the answers or scammed his way through. He was hugely popular. But he had never studied a day in his life.
He finally succumbed to the reality: cheating caught up to him. I don’t know where he is, or what he’s doing now, but I bet he’s still cheating. It’s the only thing he knows.
Detroit City Councilwoman and former Motown star Martha Reeves is in trouble because housing inspectors found 25 code violations at a rental property she owns. The real reason why Martha’s tenants are “dancing in the street” is because they don’t want to step on any roaches.
Google just released its new online spreadsheet program to compete with Microsoft’s Excel program this month and it’s already a big hit. The new software is popular with women who Google a potential date and then need a spreadsheet to figure out what he’s really worth.
Macy’s downtown Boston department store removed a window display featuring two male mannequins marking gay pride week after a group that opposes gay marriage complained it was offensive. Correct me if I’m wrong, but department store mannequins don’t have any organs of any kind whatsoever. Shouldn’t this have made these people happy?
Federal investigators searched the Scottsdale home of Arizona Diamondbacks relief pitcher Jason Grimsley as part of their investigation of steroid use in baseball. They didn’t say if they found any steroids, but the investigators confiscated several rolls of paper towels they suspect Grimsley may have used when he practiced his spitballs.
Actually, Grimsley was nailed by the IRS (hmmmm… HOW MANY PEOPLE CHEAT ON THEIR TAXES? I KNOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER PAID THE IRS A DIME!!), and they served a warrant. They found that Mr. Grimsley, who has a degree in chemistry, was holding onto large quantities of HGH. Presumably to sell to major and minor league baseball players.
As the truth comes out a little more every day, it is clear that the cool designer drug of choice in big-time sports is Human Growth Hormone. It cannot be detected by drug-testing. It gives you incredible strength and stamina. It affords a mediocre talent, like a Jason Grimsley, to hang around big league baseball for more than a decade, never quite becoming anything more than a journeyman player, but always good enough to make the roster. And more than $10 million in a ten-year career.
Let’s face it. Grimsley could not have hacked the big show on his own talent, hard workand guts. He wasn’t gifted as an athlete. He needed something else.
He had to cheat.
Which means that, probably, there are a lot more Grimsleys in the majors. Proof? The Arizona Diamondbacks, who fired him IMMEDIATELY upon getting the news, then went into a nosedive. They lost 7-8 games in a row, getting swept at home by the Phillies and Mets, and it is my contention that there are many, many nervous guys in the Arizona dugout these days. Along with the rest of pro baseball.
More upsetting to me: there were and are no doubt some clean, non-cheating players in the minor leagues who never saw light of day in the bigs, because there are many players who cheated and beat them out for a season or two.
I wonder what they think of Mr. Grimsley?
Olympic gold-medal gymnasts Nadia Comaneci and Bart Conner are the proud parents of a baby boy. They made the doctor who delivered the baby refer to the birth as a “dismount.” And this is true: Bart told an interviewer that “the baby was born with definition in his pecs and torso.” It is hopeless.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is doing better after undergoing surgery to repair injuries caused by his now-famous motorcycle accident. Doctors ar still keeping him in isolation to protect him from infections and his coach, Bill Cowher.
During a Triple-A minor league baseball game between the Buffalo Bisons and the Durham Bulls, a seagull flew between the pitcher’s mound and home plate just as Durham’s pitcher released the ball and got knocked out. The seagull eventually got up, shook it off and flew away, which convinced the pitcher that maybe he needs to try steroids or HGH after all. The umpires ruled that the ball was dead, the bird was alive and the hot dogs tasted somewhere in between.
Cheating is accepted in our society. You cannot escape it. Sports only represent a microcosm of the United States as we know it. Example: Wall Street. Do you expect me to believe that most of those people who have made and spent billions did it all based on their wits, their knowledge, their nerve and their brains? Please. THEY CHEATED. They got information. They lied, stole, borrowed, and did what they had to do and they didn’t get caught. Robin Williams is a huge talent, a paradigm-setting comedian and entertainer who is immortal. He is also considered, by many comics, to be a thief and a cheat, because he has used the jokes and routines and premises of other comics to build his career. The field of journalism is pock-marked with plagiarism, false information and lying, by the biggest and the brightest. See The New York Times. See Dan Rather. The problem is that it is easy to get caught cheating in 2000-era America, which is why it has become acceptable. And why there is no such thing as the truth, because the truth has been cheated… but that’s another blog.
NASA announced the space ship that will return astronauts to the Moon will be designed at the Glenn research Center in Cleveland and should be ready for tests in 2012 and for a manned flight in 2014. And because it’s being designed in Cleveland, this time astronauts will bowl on the moon instead of playing golf.
The Pentagon moved its ground-based interceptor missile defense system from test mode to operational in anticipation of an expected North Korean missile launch. Also in preparation for the launch, U.S. intelligence officials scrambled to find someone else to interrogate besides Margaret Cho.
Texas governor Rick Perry has announced a $5 million plan to install hundreds of night-vision cameras on the Mexican border and put the live video on the Internet. In other words, it’s a search engine to search for illegals. They should call it YaJose.com.
Here is a real-world example of how cheating is now interwoven into the daily life of our world. Gameplayers, the geeky folks who live and die by the latest release of video and fantasy games, bloodbath games or simulation games will all tell you: THEY NEED THE CHEATS. Every video game out there comes with built-in “cheat” codes. There are books that are written to help you cheat the games, and/or you opponents, so that you can win.
Cheating is a culture unto itself! Cheating is breathing. It runs like water.
The Food and Drug Administration has approved an anti-depressant as the first drug for treating seasonal affective disorder, better known as “the wintertime blues.” Each bottle must contain a warning to only take during December, January or February because, as Eddie Cochran explained, “there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.”
Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood checked into a London rehab clinic this week for treatment of alcohol abuse, but he’ll join the band for the start of its European tour next month as planned. Ron knew he had a problem when Keith Richards started making sense to him.
Possibly because of their anti-Bush remarks, ticket sales for the upcoming concerts of the Dixie Chicks are not going well. While typical sales are around 15,000 tickets per venue, they are selling closer to 5,000. Ironically, their latest album is selling very well and hit number one on the charts. A spokesman for the group explained the low ticket sales by saying that the album was so good, people just couldn’t tear themselves away from it to go attend a concert.
The singer Meat Loaf has filed a lawsuit claiming he owns the rights to the expression “Bat Out of Hell” even though someone else wrote the song. If Meat Loaf wins, he plans to celebrate by doing something we have always felt he should do. He will dance the mashed potato.
A Namibian tourism official now says he may have been tricked into believing that Britney Spears was considering having her baby in Namibia like Jennifer Lopez. He should have known the call he received wasn’t from Britney’s husband Kevin Federline because the man on the phone said he was calling from work.
Okay. I’m cynical. Not everyone cheats. But the saying “cheaters never prosper” is hysterical when you read it today. Not only do they prosper, THEY’RE THE GOOD GUYS!
Athletes apply themselves sedulously to their sport. So here is my question for those of you who were able to plow through all this: is what Barry Bonds or any other professional athlete does to his body really cheating, Or is he/she trying to be the best they can be?
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch threw his support to Senator Hlllary Clinton (D-NY), and when the news was announced, birds died in mid-flight and fell the ground.
Jobless claims in the U.S. jumped this month by more than 5000. Most of them from members of the White House staff.
The United States flew two forensic experts to Iraq to conduct an autopsy on terrorist al-Zarqawi, who died in a bombing raid, to confirm the cause of death. NBC has picked it up as a new show for the fall: CSI Baghdad.
President Bush says the death of Iraqi al-Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi will be a turning point in the war on terror. This war has had so many turning points, most Americans are becoming:
The Senate voted 49-to-48 to reject a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. The 48 senators who voted against it did so because:
a) they’re Democrats
b) they have gay friends and relatives
c) they’re planning to redecorate their offices
By the way? I didn’t cheat writing this. I did this fair-and-square.
Bridgeport, Connecticut’s mayor John M. Fabrizi admitted he has abused cocaine while in office and apologized “to all the people of the city” but has no plans to resign. Fabrizi took office after a former mayor was convicted of corruption, which makes Bridgeport the city that puts the “con” in Connecticut.
thanks for reading. thank you paul, marsia, sheri and william.
As I said in my weekly radio address, I am pushing Congress to give me line item veto, so that I can cut the federal budget. I also want it in the White House kitchen, so that I can cut broccoli, spinach and squash from the menu.
Don’t you dare make fun of my new show. YOU DIDN’T EVEN MAKE THE AUDITION PHASE!
Watching the ratings go up for AGT,
If you’re on ritalin and you know it clap your hands,
If you’re hyperactive and you know it clap your hands!
If you’re anxiety-ridden,
You keep bi-polar feelings hidden,
If you’re dysfunctional and you know it clap your hands!
Clapping to the beat of the drummer in our heads,
Mrs. Howards 5th-Grade Class