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June 27, 2016
Hi, everyone. I’m in London as you read this. Yep, London. England. The epicenter of the “Brexit” vote last week, the nerve center for all things worldly, financial and political for the future of Europe – and maybe the planet – as we know it. Current events have made this old city a hotbed of controversy and disruption that has everyone on edge.
But I am here. The world isn’t going to end. Do not worry.
I will be meeting with Cameron and Merkel and various heads-of-state, not to mention the authorities from Brussels and banking experts from across the soon-to-be-forgotten European Union this week. I am super confident we will come to agreements that make everyone happy and will allow businesses and governments to function profitably and efficiently as never before!
I spent about 20 minutes thinking about the UK’s vote to leave, more than enough time to solve all the issues. I can’t go into everything here but I’ll give you some of the solutions that will no doubt be accepted and joyfully embraced by economists and common people alike.
Let’s start with the U.K. Scotland to be specific. So the Scots voted 60-40 to STAY, but were rebuffed by jolly old England. Now they’re deciding whether or not to become their own country, sovereign from their neighbors to the south. COOL! Here’s how they’ll be making money: we’re going to combine the things Scotland is known for – kilts, golf and wars (see “Braveheart”). We just have to make golf a full-contact sport, morphing it with MMA-style fighting, and boom! You have a HUGE spectator sport that will draw huge live crowds, not to mention international TV and video audiences! The kilts? Worn by the winners, of course! Soon every 12-year-old kid in every country will wanna wear one! There’s one problem solved! NEXT!
OK, what about the European continent? Easy. France, Germany, Belgium. All find their economies of scale in turmoil with the exit of England from the EU. Solution! We find common ground. What do all three of these countries have in common (besides the ill-fated Euro)? Right! CHOCOLATE! The answer writes itself! We’ll make their currency the one thing people around the world cannot live without, and something that has intrinsic value beyond just the paper and metal we use to “buy” things. Specifically, the new currency is chocolate! Dark chocolate; milk chocolate; white chocolate; semi-sweet and powdered and creamy chocolate. All will be assigned a particular value. Hey, the word “mint” already applies to money and chocolate, get it? Plus, if you have a little left over, it’s a bonus! YOU HAVE CHOCOLATE!
I don’t have time to go into how we’ll save everyone, but I think it’s pretty obvious that clearer heads (specifically: MINE) have prevailed and soon all the nations of Europe will be happy, healthy and wealthy. As each adopts the “Mason Principles,” you will see markets rebound! Trade agreements proliferate! And stocks surge to all-time highs.
Sure, I’m a comedian. But a sense of humor is a powerful opponent to panic. Do I work with puppets? Uh, yeah… So who better to work with puppet regimes that have been established over the past 40 years in the old world? Do I have any experience with international finance? Please. I traded dollars for British Pounds at the airport an hour ago.
I’ll update you soon with a complete report, but for now rest assured: it’s all good!