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April 30, 2013
Fresh off a prom show last weekend, I’m uniquely qualified to bring America up to speed on today’s 13-to-18 year-old people.
The prom theme, “Human Rights Violations” was a little off-putting, but the only one who seemed to notice was the girl behind a card table. She was dressed like a member of 1990’s emo band “The Cure” with a hand-painted sign that read “I DIDN’T GET ASKED TO THE DANCE AND I FEEL VIOLATED!”
I heard one kid ask a chaperone where he could get some placenta. I don’t know if he was serious or not.
There were banners all over the ballroom that had lyrics of popular songs printed on them, and most of the student body invested these lines with an unrealistic amount of meaning. Example: “I just met you. This is crazy. Here’s my number. Call me maybe.” They played that song, sung by Carly Rae Jepsen, 14 times. I have no idea what it means.
Most disturbing: half-way through the night there was a poetry reading. I am not kidding. A young man opened the presentation saying, “I recited this at my sister’s wedding. I think it’s appropriate tonight, as well.” The poem? “Because I Could Not Stop For Death” by Emily Dickinson. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Some kids were escorted home by their parents, and the best dialogue I heard was between a 17-year-old and her mom and dad. In an effort to elicit sympathy she quoted the dimensions of her bedroom, hoping to go out with some friends until the wee hours. Her father’s line: “Nothing good ever happens after 2 o’clock in the morning.”
In other words nothing has changed in the past 50 years.