Turn on, Tune in, Too dumb

November 20, 2015

I missed the turbulent, riotous demonstrations of the 1960’s, so I’m eagerly watching what’s happening on college campuses today. I’m taking for granted this is kind of a callback to those thrilling days of yesteryear when peace and love (and the occasional bombing or call to the National Guard) were commonplace at good ol’ State U.


I can’t wait for old hippies to raid their local institution of higher learning and burn their AARP cards, singing “we shall overcome” and smoking e-marijuana. Or, at least burning incense. They represent the aging of Aquarius, and for many it hasn’t been pleasant.

The crack staff here at Taylor Mason Headquarters did some research at a couple of major universities here in the USA, and here is – apparently – the way that open debates and the exchange of ideas work today in the hallowed halls of expensive, traditional private and public colleges:

  1. Someone proposes an idea to the group.
  2. The people who oppose the proposer then agree with the proposer’s idea.
  3. The proposer agrees the opposition should totally be supportive of the idea.
  4. The opposer agrees wholeheartedly that the proposer couldn’t be more right about agreeing they were right to support the idea.
  5. The proposer opens the door to debate, and someone from the audience notes it really isn’t a debate if the proposer and the opposer are basically just agreeing with one another.
  6. The proposer and the opposer agree to call security and have the audience member removed from the room.
  7. The proposer proposes another idea that anyone who disagrees with the proposer would not be allowed to attend debates.
  8. The opposer agrees.
  9. All the motions pass and they have the university president fired.

Here Come the Holidays

November 10, 2015

Yeah, it’s gray and rainy on the East Coast, the temps are dropping and it gets dark around 5:00 p.m. With the holidays approaching, some folks are already feeling the stress and strain of the party-and-hubbub of the season. Some of us get the blues around this time of year. But I’m not fuss and I’m not gonna raise a holler. Because that’s the summertime blues, and this is November.

starbucks holiday cupsI love the brouhaha over the Starbucks cups! Let’s see: Christian people are being murdered all over the Middle East. High school coaches and players are reprimanded, slandered and penalized for praying, or for pointing to the sky after scoring a touchdown (!?), and militants all over the USA get physically violent about a church displaying a cross. And there are people among us who are UPSET ABOUT A STARBUCKS CUP?! We are dumbing down so fast I cannot keep up.

I have discovered the mantra, the mission statement and the most important office in Washington, D.C. It isn’t the Oval Office. It’s not The Pentagon, the Houses of Congress, the IRS or any other official governmental body/building you can name. It’s a little-known backroom where all the decisions are made and clarified. Its name? THE DEPARTMENT OF WE-MAKE-IT-UP-AS-WE-GO-ALONG.

Good news for environmentalists! I was shopping for a new car, and took a little Kia for a test drive. Wouldn’t you know, it ran out of gas (I drove 11 miles when the indicator was actually a quarter-inch BELOW “empty!”). What to do? It’s brilliant. I put it on the back of a bicycle I borrowed from a passerby, rode over to the nearest gas station, filled ‘er up and drove back to the dealership! (Where was the passerby as I rode? Duh! IN THE KIA!)

The IRS won’t leave me alone. This morning they sent me an angry letter telling me the government cannot get by on what I am making. I am to work more, make more and not complain, THERE IS A NEW ORDER!

Dear Scientists and Medical Researchers: let’s cut to the chase. Want to really help people here in the United States and around the world, improve quality-of-life and lower health care costs? PLEASE INVENT A HEART THAT RUNS ON CHOLESTEROL!

This Friday evening I am in Millstone, New Jersey at The Performing Arts Center! Tix Here!

You Are Me!

October 29, 2015

MirrorAfter watching the CNBC “Republican Debate” (which describes NOTHING that happened during the presentation) I had one of those “man out of time” experiences I get every once in a while. I feel as if I might be living behind the times, or ahead of the times, but I’m definitely not living in this time.

You’re reading this because you “follow” me on social media; you got this from someone else who “follows” me; or you stumbled on this via a search of some kind whether you know me or not. It’s all part of the internet, social media and “the cloud,” the mechanisms that connect more than half the people on earth. You can agree, disagree, honor or ignore what I write. Which is the point.

Particularly here in the USA. Social media has helped to divide us in the aggregate, and unite us in the minority as never before.

This is where we are going, or maybe we’re already here. Soon we will be able to have relationships and personal interaction with ourselves. That’s not just a joke. Your computer or your device already contains a sort of DNA that describes you by: IQ; your sense of humor; your politics and your religion; morality; sexuality; adulthood and childhood and just about every other “personal” trait that makes you, well … you.

So what happens when you use some app to find the next 10 people who are just like YOU? Why stop there? Find the next 1000 people who are just like you! How many of YOU are there? 250? 25,000? A MILLION? Is that a cult? Or a movement? You could marry yourself! You could literally change the planet!

At some point you could, ostensibly, start making choices about which “you” will be kept in the group or not. You have certain guidelines whereby you draw the line: “Sorry, that you is not you enough. Bye.” You would reach a point where you can literally talk to yourself about personal issues and crowd source problems to get definitive answers! Business, careers, the arts, everything comes into play.

Example: eharmony.com – a very good matchmaking website – has 29 levels of intimacy. But this “YOU” app will have an unlimited number of levels! Down to your most personal data! Heck, IT IS ALREADY OUT THERE RIGHT NOW!

But getting back to the debate. The right hates the left and vice-versa. Last night the CNBC “moderators” (actually nothing more than angry, narcissistic left-wing hacks, but you knew that) showed how stark the divide is. Democrats don’t see that the CNBC people did anything wrong! They were brilliant! Republicans see them as nothing more than shills for the White House and Hillary Clinton and the whole night was a sham (which it was).

Forget that. What if the “YOU APP” described above finds a few million “you’s” in the USA? All of “you” get together and form a political party. The “YOU PARTY” (“Us Party?”). At some point the app helps “you” reach a 51% majority – which wouldn’t be hard since most of us in the United States don’t, or can’t, vote. There wouldn’t be an election because computerized results would make it redundant. “YOU” win. Literally, “YOU” are president. And all of YOU are happy.

Which means that we would never have to listen to awful, low-rated, ego-driven rich “moderators” run a “debate” ever again. YOU wouldn’t need it. YOU are in control!

Fond Zanies Memories

October 22, 2015

I was running the Chicago club last night and a guy came in with 10 business associates.  He started talking to me about Zanies and how he used to live on Wells Street and would come over all the time.  I asked him about different acts he had seen and who he remembered and he told me about a show he saw at Zanies.  One night the headliner did not show up (possibly because of a snowstorm – he could not remember).  The guy continued, “Everyone was a little disappointed but the MC went on stage and said, look, we know you came to see so-and-so, but if you just sit back and relax, you will see a great show.  And then the host did it all all.  Ventriloquism.  Music.  Jokes.  He blew the house away.  It was incredible.  That was the best show I have ever seen here.”

I told him his name is Taylor Mason.

Bert Haas
Zanies Comedy Club
Chicago, Rosemont and St. Charles, Illinois

Funny Story…

Taylor Mason

Taylor Mason and Ramon

Check out this great article about Taylor in The Crimson White!

From the article:

“I was just goofing around,” Mason said. “But a kid from another fraternity came up to me and said he would pay me to perform at his fraternity the next week.”

From that moment on, Mason began to be famous for his stand-up comedy acts across campus and has spent the last 30 years supporting himself and his family as a professional comedian.
<read the full article>

Free Education

October 19, 2015

Click to read Taylor’s latest newsletter, “Free Education.